it really suxs that larry has a low sperm count. we can't even get medical assistance b/c we arent married and my insurance doesn't cover invitro. i just hope one day i do get pregnant. i feel empty, i want to cry, but i'm more angry then sad. i want to scream, throw stuff. i am fertile murtle lol. i am eating healthy, i lost 27lbs, i excersize, take my prenatals, my vitimin d, i take my lamictal, hopefully thats not the case. i haven't been intimate with larry since sat. i feel lonely and i need him to pay attention to me, i topld him and we cuddled on the couch. i feel like i wish i was on vacation again. i don't want to clean today. i cleaned 2 weeks ago, i feel sad jellybeans gone, i know i'm not pregnant and i'm so angry. did i mention i'm pissed. i hate this. it was perfect aug 9th i would have been due. i prayed, i tried to stay positive. i really tried. we were intimate before and after ovulation. this really suxs. i thought it would be a nice xmas present after i had been almost a mth pregnant, yeah it woiuld be hard to keep this secret, but i did good with disney. really shocked nick. i am going to the gym friday, to clear my mind from bs. i need to relax. i brought a book to bring to counseling and my journal. i really love writing in it. helps me get through this. also my reborns. i enjoy dressing them, holding them. giving the reborns i'm painting a bath. feels like if i have a real baby. also i have a small pink bottle i pose them with :) i have cup and a spoon nick got as a baby. i have my sisters christening gown, nick's baptism outfit and a outfit nick's father gave him. i am going to dress and take pic's possibly today. i have to straighten up the house first. sweep, mop, vaccum. clean toilet. clean the stove, counter tops. do laundry. i have things to keep me busy. i'm greatful for that. i'll do some yoga today. need my mind clear and relaxed.
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